The Revenge Of Life
by sPongeBoy
Summary: Squidward has had enough of Spongebob *UPDATED CHAPTER 2 UP* I also renamed it from "Squid the Loser" How do u like it better?
1. Who the hell died in there?

Narrator- Ah, a fine day in a wonderful land under the sea called Bikini Bottom. As you can see, unless you are a pathetic dope, you'd know that only fish live in Bikini Bottom, or sponges, or starfishes, or even squirrels! And a certain place like Bikini Bottom has certain creatures. (camera zooms over to Patricks', Squidwards', and SBs' house) here is an example of two idiots and a boring squid. There's Spongebob, Patrick, and the Squidward!!!  
  
Audience- BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (someone from the audience throws a tomato at Squidward's house)  
  
Narrator- Poor Squid! We all know how sad it feels when you're a rotton barnicle head, and have a plastic fork shoved up your ass (shakes head)  
  
Squidward was sleeping heavily in his room, he was prepared for the best Sunday he had ever had, and he expected it NOT to be be all ruined by Spongebob and Patrick.  
  
Squidward's digital clock radio showed 7:59:58, 7:59:59, 8:00:00! HEY YOU ALL, SPORTS FANS!! ARE YOU READY TO SHAKE YOUR ASSES??? LETS GET READY FOR FOOTBALL STADIUM NIGHT, THE BARNICLES VS. THE 9-CENTERS!! ALL TONIGHT!! $54214657 for each ticke- -  
  
The radio volume was turned up very high, Squidward quicky heard it, and turned it off, he was obviously not a football fan.  
  
Squidward- Hmm, lets see, (searches for another radio station) .  
  
Man on radio- . Yup, Dat's rite, get your own courn lettuce, ONLY $9.99-  
  
Squidward- Nope (changes to another radio station)  
  
Man on Radio- Now for the number 1 song in Bikini Bottom, "Never Piss in your pants" -  
  
Squidward- No, (changes to a another radio station)  
  
(classical music plays)  
  
Squidward- Ah, that's better!  
  
Squidward went into the bathroom. He looked into the mirror and picked up the deodorant, Squidward lifted his arm, which caused a HORIBBLE, HORRIBLE, stench. Then Snellie came into the room.  
  
Snellie- MEEEEOOOOOOWWWW!!! (holds her nose)  
  
Squidward- Aw, shut up, Snellie! It doesn't smell that bad!  
  
The horrible odor was so bad, it formed into smoke. Then the whole bathroom fogged up. Unfortunately, Squidward had a smoke alarm in the bathroom.  
  
BEEP BEEP!!!  
  
Squidward- What the hell.  
  
10 seconds later a fireman came running into the room holding a HUGE hose with a gas-mask.  
  
Fireman (muffled by the gas-mask)- Hello? Hello?! Is anyone alive in here??  
  
Snellie- MEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!! (sticks out her tongue)  
  
Squidward- Get the hell out of here, pervert!!  
  
Fireman- Don't mind me, sir. I'm just trying to save your life!  
  
Squidward- GAAAHHHH!!!!! What are you talking about???  
  
Fireman- Well, I heard your smoke alarm, so I went in, and tried to save you.  
  
Squidward- There's nothing wrong here!!!  
  
Fireman- Please put your put your arm-pits down, sir.  
  
Snellie- MMEEOOOWW!!! (Agreeing with him)  
  
Squidward- -sigh- (puts deodorant on himself)  
  
Thank God, everyone in the room can breathe again and live.  
  
Fireman- Well, my job here is done! (rushes out of the room)  
  
Squidward- Okay, that was weird. I guess I'll take a shower now.  
  
He took off his shirt and wardrobe, and got inside.  
  
Squidward turned it up to HOT. He put body wash on himself. His eyes were filled with soap, he couldn't see. He picked up a bottle hat said Jack ass SUPER GLUE (made with crap) and put some on his head. As he was rubbing his head, his hands got stuck.  
  
Squidward- What the-UH-OH!! I USED SUPER GLUE!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! THIS WILL NEVER COME OFF!!!  
  
Snellie- MEEEEEEOOWW!! (walks over to the toilet and flushes it)  
  
Squidward- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! COLD!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Spongebob- B-5!!  
  
Patrick- Uh. oh!! (picks up a boomerang and runs to pineapple)  
  
Spongebob-Base! You just lost 5 points!  
  
Patrick- Yay! That's a good score!  
  
Spongebob- 3,2,1. king!!!!  
  
Patrick- Oh-no! (moves a chess piece on a chess board) KING ME! KING ME!! (runs around in a circle, bumps into his rock house) I LOSE!!  
  
Spongebob- But it's not Thursday, Patrick.  
  
Patrick- Barnicles!  
  
Just then, Squidward slowly opened the door of his anchor house. He had skin ripped from his bald head, he had hair growing from his arm pits, and he had red burnt skin. Squidward (with his teeth stuck together) - THIS...ISNT...HOW.. I ..EXPECTED...MY.SUNDAY. TO.BE! (faints to the ground)  
  
Spongebob- Hey Squid! Guess what I found in my shorts last nigh-  
  
Squidward was fainting, so he couldn't hear the rest of what Spongebob said (he woudn't want to know what he said anyway)  
  
Narrator- 4 hours later  
  
Spongebob- Squidward? Squidward? Squidward?  
  
He opened his eyes halfway.  
  
Squidward- Sp-Spongebob? Is that you?  
  
Spongebob- Are you okay?  
  
Squidward quickly got up and got really mad, smoke started coming from his ears.  
  
Squidward- AM I OKAY? AM I OKAY????!!! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAY, SPONGEBOB. FIRST, WHEN I GOT UP THIS MORNING, I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM, I LIFTED MY ARMS, AND THEN SNELLIE MY PET MEOWED THAT MY ARM-PITS STINK, THEN MY FIRE- ALARM STARTED BEEPING AND A FIRE MAN CAME INTO MY ROOM AND SAID WHATS THE PROBLEM!! THEM, WHEN I WENT INTO THE SHOWER, I ACCEDENTLY PUT SUPER GLUE ON MY HEAD, AND THEN SNELLIE FLUSHED THE TOILET WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER, AND.. IT .. WAS.. REALLY.. REALLY.. (Squidward puts his face close to spongebob's ear) COOOOOLLLLDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Squidward's brain was about to explode. He ran away. Spongebob and Patrick stared at each other for a long time.  
  
Spongebob- Uh, Patrick  
  
Patrick- Yeah, Spongebob?  
  
Spongebob- Do you think Squidwards from another planet?  
  
Patrick- Could be, Spongebob, could. (falls asleep)  
  
Spongebob- (snaps fingers)  
  
Patrick-. be. Hey, where did he go?  
  
Spongebob- He ran off. I know a way we could cheer him up!  
  
Patrick- Oh! Really? How!?  
  
Spongebob- Okay, follow my lead. (whispers in Patrick's ear)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~  
Hey, If you liked it, I might continue. Plz Reveiw 


	2. Squid the Thief

Lots of people have complained that this chapter sux, but I don't give a flying monkey's crap, okay? Ya'll just don't like violence.  
  
CHAPTER 2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
Squidward was depressed; he was walking sullenly down the road.  
  
Squidward- Maybe I need something that'll calm me down from this horrible day. I think someone is playing tricks on me, well I'm gonna make this stop, I'll be a good-spirited man, no longer boring, or a clarinet player, I'll be like Spongebob and Patrick only less stupider! Now lets see (Digs in his pocket and pulls out a watch) Two minutes after 3, maybe I can still make it to the Movie Theater. It's only 4 blocks away; I can still make it.  
  
As Squidward was walking, a mailman popped up out of nowhere and was running really fast. He ran into Squidward, which knocked him down on the cold, hard, ground, and yeah, it was really painful.  
  
Mailman- Oh, my apologies, sir. I wasn't watch where I was goi-- (falls to the ground)  
  
Squidward gave him a fat bloody nose.  
  
Mailman (noseless)- Ehh, ok fuget wat I said  
  
Squidward- Next time, watch where you're going, fatass  
  
He continued walking. After about a mile or two he stopped, he slowly turned around, he put nose close to the Music Shop glass window. Squidward had a huge burst of excitement; a chill went through his body. He saw a bunch of instruments, there was a huge combo drum set, a professional electric keyboard, an ancient pan flute made in Italy, but the thing that interested him most was a real, electric, glow-in-the-dark green guitar. He stared long and hard at it, he would do anything for it, he wanted it more than anything, what a joy it would be to have a guitar, he already quit playing the clarinet. He could just imagine.  
  
(In Squidward's thoughts)  
  
(At a huge rock concert)  
  
Announcer- Are you ready rock fans?!!!!!!!  
  
Audience- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer- Here comes the living legend, which is formally known as SSSS- quidward!!!!!! LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, YEA!  
  
Audience- SQUIDWARD!!! SQUIDWARD!!! SQUIDWARD!!! WWWWOOOOOO-HHOOOOO!!  
  
(Squidward slides out of the curtains on his knees and plays his guitar like a pro)  
  
Squidward- Yeah! I wanna hear you scream!!!!!  
  
Girls in Audience- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Faints)  
  
Squidward- YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!.  
  
(Another thought in Squidwards thoughts)  
  
(At a news studio)  
  
Reporter- Welcome to Bikini Bottom News. Today on BBN I'm here to report that Squidward has broke the record for the most popular singing sensation! He has sold 100,000,000 CD copies. (Someone whispers in the reporter's ear) Oh, make that 200,000,000 CD copies. He has sausage weenies named after him, he has statues sculpted after him, he gets paid 2,000 dollars each day, is there anything this squid can't do??  
  
(A microphone gets shoved in Squid's face)  
  
Squidward- Well, uh. I. guess not.  
  
Reporter- Well, there you have it! He can do anything, anything (echos) anything. An-y-thing! Annnnnythhhhing!!!  
  
(Squidward wakes up)  
  
Squidward- Huh? Where am I? (Looks at the music shop window) Oh, yes, the guitar! I MUST HAVE IT! (Digs in his pocket and pulls out some 5 bucks and looks at the price tag)  
  
Squidwards excitement suddenly disappeared; he wanted to die because he was so depressed and whiney.  
  
Squidward- f-f-five. h-hundred. thousand. d-dollars??? (As he was banging his head against the building) THIS. IS . NOTTTT .. FFFFFFFFFAAAAAIIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Squidward was so mad, he wanted to kill himself. Suddenly, a bad-spirited idea crossed Squidward's mind. He put a big grin on his face; he laughed evilly. Squidward knew this was bad, but he wanted to do it anyway.  
  
Squidward- I'll steal it!! After all, no one will see me!  
  
Right after Squidward finished saying 'me', a tiny angel with a white robe popped up out of nowhere on Squidward's left shoulder. A big poof of dust appeared in front of it.  
  
Angel- (cough), (cough) I still got it baby!! (clears throught)  
  
Squidward was too busy thinking thinking of plans to notice it.  
  
Angel (tapping on Squidward)- Um, excuse me.  
  
Squidward- What??! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!?!  
  
Angel- Well, since you asked so rudely, I'm your good self-conscience, and you're a miserable, miserable man! I'm here to talk about the--  
  
Squidward- NOT NOW, I'M TRYING TO THINK OF HOW TO STEAL THAT GUITAR WITHOUT ANYONE SEEING ME!  
  
Angel- That's what I'm here to talk to you about, DON'T steal it, your better off collecting the money and EARNING it.  
  
A red devil appeared on Squid's right shoulder. It had a pointy tail.  
  
Devil- Pssst, don't listen to that bitch, I've met him before, he's nothing but a pile of dirt.  
  
Angel- I HEARD THAT! YOU BETTER BACK UP FROM THIS GUY!!  
  
Squidward- And who are you?  
  
Devil- I'm your bad self-conscience, I'm here to tell you what's good for you.  
  
Angel- Good for him? HA! Where here to tell him to do good stuff, good is best.  
  
Devil- no, it isn't!  
  
Angel- Yes, it is!  
  
Devil- No, it's not! Bad!  
  
Angel- Good!  
  
Devil- Bad!  
  
Angel- Good!  
  
Devil- Bad!  
  
Angel- Good!  
  
Devil- Bad!  
  
Angel- Bad!  
  
Devil- Good!  
  
Angel- Ha! You even admited it! That proves it!  
  
Devil- Nu-uh, you got that from Bugs Bunny!  
  
Angel- You watch Bugs Bunny? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Loser!  
  
Devil- So? You watch Barney and Friends!  
  
Angel-WWWHHHHAAAAATTTTT??????!!!!!! NO, I DON'T!!!!!  
  
(Both start arguing so loud you can't hear what they're saying)  
  
Squidward- SHHHHUUUUUUTTTTTT UPPPPPPPP!!! I HAVE MADE MY DISISION!! I'LL STEAL IT!! JUST BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!  
  
Angel- What?? But.. But..  
  
Squidward- GET LOST, STUPID ANGEL (flings him of his shoulder)  
  
Devil- Oh, yeah!! Woo-hoo!  
  
Squidward- You too!!  
  
Devil- Ok! (poofs away)  
  
Squidward- Jeez!  
  
Squidward then had his attention on the guitar. He slowly walked over to the entrance of the Music Shop; he opened the door and went in. It wasn't a very tidy place, but he didn't care. As soon as the storekeeper saw Squidward come in, he eagerly walked over to him. He looked as if he didn't have any customers in a long time.  
  
Storekeeper Ahem! May I interest you in something?  
  
Squidward- (gets nervous) Eeh, no, I'm. just looking. Just looking  
  
Storekeeper- Oh, well, ok! (goes back to his desk)  
  
Squidward slowly picked up the guitar; he felt the texture of it. Now, this is the guitar he wanted. He looked left and right, when no one was looking, he ran off with it, he ran as fast as he can. He kicked the entrance door open and ran off without a trace.  
  
Storekeeper- HEY, YOU, COME BACK WITH THAT!!! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE!!!!!  
  
The poor, old man looked out the window, he was gone.  
  
Storekeeper (in between sobs)- No-oo-oo!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Narrator- As the old man pathetically sobbed, Spongebob and Patrick seemed to have a good time.  
  
SB and Patrick are inside Squidward's house.  
  
Spongebob- This is great, Patrick! Think of how Squidward will be surprised!  
  
Patrick- Uh, yeah  
  
Spongebob- He'll have to thank us for the rest of our lives!  
  
Patrick- Uh, yeah  
  
Spongebob- Now, just think of how happy he will be!  
  
Patrick- Uh, yeah  
  
Spongebob- Patrick? PATRICK?! What are you doing?  
  
Patrick- (stops banging himself with a huge hammer and stares at Spongebob) I don't know.  
  
Spongebob- Focus, Patrick, we have to make this right for Squidward! (turns on a jackhammer) the faster we work, the more we accomplish!  
  
Patrick- Wha-? What did you say, Spongebob?  
  
Spongebob- (turns off jackhammer) Patrick, are you listening to me?  
  
Patrick- Of course I am, Spongebob (gets out a heavy machine gun) Let's get to work!  
  
Spongebob- Careful with that, Patrick, you blow off someones-  
  
Patrick- (accidentally shoots Spongebob)  
  
Spongebob (unconscious)- .head  
  
Patrick- It was an accident!  
  
Spongebob- Ow! (faints)  
  
4 hours later.  
  
Spongebob blinked his eyes. He had a huge bandage on his face  
  
Spongebob- Where am I? What happened to me?  
  
Patrick, without saying anything shrugged his shoulders.  
  
Patrick- Wanna play somethin'?  
  
Spongebob- OK!!  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Squidward was walking down the sidewalk with his new guitar.  
  
Squidward- Ok, guitary, where should we go today? (gets an idea) How about we just go home? I'm tired.  
  
He was so excited, he couldn't wait until he plays his brand-new guitar  
  
When Squidward got to his house, he dug in his pocket and pulled out some keys.  
  
Squidward- (puts the key in the keyhole and opens the door)  
  
He was shocked, his house was destroyed, a huge mess. His paintings looked as if they were used as a frisbee, there was peanut butter smeared on the wall, and there was broken glass in the kitchen. He looked down; the floor was flooded with- Squidward tasted some of it -ketchup, who did this? Squidward slowly walked up stairs; he opened the bathroom door and went inside. He lifted the toilet seat.  
  
Squidward- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Squidward ran out as fast as he can. He had sh-(bleep)-t on his face. His house was damaged so bad, you could see smoke coming from almost every room. Squidward went to his room, he opened the door. There were two creatures giggling there, Squidward knew exactly who they were, why it no other than Spongebob and Patrick themselves.  
  
SB and Patrick saw Squidward come in; he had a red look on his face. They were so scared they couldn't speak a word. They backed up in a corner.  
  
Squidward- YOU- YOU BOTH IDIOTS- DID THIS!! DO YOU KNOW.WHAT I'M GONNA.DO?? I'M GONNA GRAB YOU BY THE SKIN.THEN.I'M GONNA REACH INTO YOUR DAMN MOUTHS.AND PULL OUT YOUR.GUTS.AND.I'M GONNA SQUEEZE THEM.UNTIL THE JUICE COMES OUT.THE.I'M GONNA SHOVE. MY FOOT. UP YOUR NOSE. AND RIP.YOUR EYEBALLS OFF!! THEN. I'M GONNA. THROW YOU DOWN. TO THE GROUND.AND I'M GONNA.LAUGH.SO. HARD.AT THE SIGHT.OF YOU. CRYING!!! YEAH, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, MAN!!  
  
Squidward was crazy mad, he was about to kill them. SB and Patrick started sweating; who knows what bad he can do to them.  
  
Suddenly, right before Squidward was about to turn them into a bloody pulp, there was a loud wing sound, it sounded like a helicopter.  
  
Spongebob- Patrick, did you hear something?  
  
Patrick- That depends. am I in heaven?  
  
A huge chunk of wall broke in his room, some guy with a cap that said COP had a gun in his hand. There were helicopters everywhere and guys with guns surrounding him.  
  
Squidward- THE COPS!!!  
  
Cop- Hold it right there, maniac, don't you move a muscle or I'll have to shoot you!!  
  
Squidward- What do you want?!  
  
Cop- I just got a call from the Music Shop that you stole a very. very expensive guitar, and what is that in your hand, sonny?  
  
Squidward looked down at his hands.  
  
Squidward- (holds up his fist) Oh, you mean this? This is just something I'm about to shove up your throat! (Punches the cop in his stomach)  
  
Cop- (coughs up blood) get im' boys!  
  
A cop aimed for Squidward and shot him. Squidward leaned back, he missed him. There were too many cops; he couldn't get them all. He had to do something or else he'll be dog dinner.  
  
Squidward- (looks at Patrick) Gimme that Machine gun!! (yanks it from him)  
  
Squidward shot every cop and helicopter, unfortunately; there was some gas in the helicopters forming an explosion. Squidward flew across his room to the wall; the wall broke falling on him. The 2 neighbors saw the whole thing; they were surprised, not in a good way though.  
  
SB & Patrick- SQUIDWARD!? Where are you? Squidward??  
  
Squidward dug himself up from the ruins of the house, there was a bloody mess on the floor, it was hard to tell cause there was ketchup on the floor. He felt like half of his memory was washed out.  
  
Squidward- what happened?  
  
Spongebob- You just shot a whole crew of police!!  
  
Patrick- Yeah, it was awesome!!  
  
Spongebob- (stares at Patrick)  
  
Patrick- Well, it was!  
  
Spongebob- The point is, don't do it again, or aim away from me!  
  
Patrick- Yeah, all you need is a good night's sleep!  
  
Squidward looked at his busted up house.  
  
Squidward- The question is. where will I sleep??  
  
Spongebob- Hmm, your right. Hey I know! You could stay in at a hotel!  
  
Patrick- Spongebob, are you crazy? Do you even know what lives at those rotten places? They have these man-eating spiders living there. Why, if you slept over there, the next morning KA-CHING! Your ass is gone!  
  
Spongebob- Well, do YOU have any suggestions?  
  
Patrick- I know! He could sleep over at my house!  
  
Spongebob- But, Patrick, the last time I slept over there, you had a cockroach colony growing under the rock!  
  
Patrick- I do?  
  
Spongebob- I wish Squidward can sleep over at my house, but I don't want to go through all that trouble like last time.  
  
Patrick- C'mon, SB, we'll be fine, isn't that right, Squidward?  
  
Squidward- No, no, no, it's okay, I think I'll-  
  
Patrick- Of course we're good friends, Squidy!  
  
Spongebob- You two have a good time!  
  
Patrick (dragging Squidward like a tow)- C'mon, Squidy squider, we'll have a fun time!  
  
Squidward (gagging)- CAN'T. BREATHE!! MUST.RUN AWAY!  
  
Patrick- I just know you'll love my place! (opens his rock) This is where you'll sleep!  
  
Squidward- Oh, thanks, I guess I'll have to-- (rock smashes him) GGAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Patrick- Sweet dreams, buddy! See ya tomorrow!!  
  
Squidward (worried)- Uh. sweet dreams, Patrick  
  
Patrick- (turns off the light)  
  
----  
  
Squidward- WHAT IF THERE REALLY ARE COCKROACHES???  
  
________________________________  
  
STAY TUNED FOR CHAPTER 3!!! 


End file.
